Episode 2 - Book of My Life, Part Two

This episode continues the first part and I am gonna focus on my professional path a bit and on other crucial parts of my journey. I will let you look at a bit of the book of my life giving you a better option to understand my perspectives and background.

The key, to unlocking and understanding one of the main meanings of these two episodes and of my whole life journey, is simple:

Arising power in the deepest darkest time is never forgotten as a good friend who gets your back.

I would be happy if you join me on this episode and the whole journey.

Thank you.

Red Fox

The full transcription of this episode is below.

Hello guys,

How are you doing? In part two, let´s continue with the Book of My Life. This is Fox, and I would be happy if you joined me for this little trip.

Well, I am gonna jump directly to my professional background. Since I was a child I have been very protective. I wanted to save everything, plants, animals, people. When I was around 10 years old, I started to have dreams about rescuing others. It couldn´t come from movies cause I was too young to watch it. During such nights of dreaming I was f.e. saving women from abusers, trying to escape hard situations while scenarios and landscapes varied from factories to nature. I was sometimes tired in the morning. Like damn, what I was doing in my head for the whole night. Is there nothing better to dream about? No, for me, probably not. Actually, one thing is even better for me from my current perspective. It is If I dream about my big wild cats. That is total happiness and deep joy. Then maybe is no surprise if I replied to a teacher at elementary school for what I want to become that I wish to be a rescuer. I said two things actually but I can´t remember right now the second one. I just remember she replied it is too much for one life.

One such dream about rescuing I never forget because it was like I experienced that dream from different perspectives simultaneously. There was a situation when a man was shooted and tried to escape the area but he couldn´t continue. He was sitting down on the ground and keeping his bleeding wound around his belly and another man with a gun reached him to kill him. What was strange I perceived this dream from different perspectives I was the man who was sitting down and bleeding and perceived a moment when a bullet was fired and saw it in a different timeline like very slowly. And I observed that situation as well from the perspective of someone who looked at it from above and around. I never forget this one concrete dream.

In my teenage time, I got my first part-time jobs, and one of them was being a lifeguard in an open swimming pool. On my 18th birthday, I was the main lifeguard on some shifts, and I was just with two colleagues who were around 15 years old and with even 1400 visitors around us on hot days. Honestly, who would easily respect 18 years old girl? Well, it didn´t stop me from trying to do my job in a good way. I couldn´t believe how people stopped to understand the fragility of life for example when some parents screamed at me with dirty words because I didn´t let their child, who was around 3 years old go on a very short and sharp water slide. They didn´t care about the warning blackboard at the top of it that prohibited such young children from attending it and there was no way to explain it. So much stupid stuff like that for years when I spent there my summers. But I loved to do that and as well swimming in an empty swimming pool surrounded by trees and with park behind. Just beautiful. There were hard injuries too, no matter how I tried to prevent them but it is life sometimes.

In the previous part, I mentioned my love for plants. The same works for animals, too. Maybe later I will talk about my encounters and experiences with my brothers and sisters - animals. That was a reason why my high school was close to this field. When I attended my first university focused on the tropics and subtropics because I wished a lot to go to the jungle and live there since I was a child, I reached my breaking point, I got harder disease plus injury from sports activity, and also not easy situation in family for long. All of that led me to leave university and family house, too. I started to work fully and I moved to the capital city.

At 22 I had to go through another hard point and it was abortion by my own decision. I got my first sexual experience by my will at 21 and a year later I became pregnant but I couldn´t handle it well. I couldn´t imagine the baby could experience similar stuff as I did. No one said me I can make it. I followed my fear, so weak in heart and soul. I made a very bad decision towards my baby, my heart, my soul, and my body. For more than 5 years I couldn´t have sex because of pain, inner pain, and I have made the decision that I want to have sexual contact only with a man who could be a good father because I understood from life even if I am are trying to be responsible in sexual part of my life too, it doesn´t mean, it can´t happen. But if you don´t win the love lottery to meet up with a damn good human, it is not easy goal, I would say. I was weak I didn´t believe I could go through it and be the mother and handle everything by myself and secure a happy life for my baby. That was a total real failure in my life. Total. But I had to admit that I was very far inside of me to make a different decision than I did.

After a few years of full-time work, I returned to school and graduated as a paramedic and specialist in CBRN protection. During and after those studies, I experienced different kinds of positions and professions. A bit later after graduation, I reached a kind of my dream work in specialization. It was narrow and very specific, unique for the whole state, but I found there the low level of many things, from character to professionalism.

It went from the way of threatening someone with broken legs and hands to the thing it was damn important who had an intimate relationship with someone etc. As a bonus was when such persons had security clearance. Someone tried a lot to not let me get to the point of being approved to work in a more independent status. Former enemies to each other in leading positions, created the pack with common intention towards me. I resigned although I loved that specialization a lot.

But it wasn´t the end, just the beginning. Colleagues were prohibited from talking to me, leaders tried to isolate me as much as it was possible. Someone with purpose started to spread lies about me to help create a convenient picture of me in the eyes of others. Another tried to put me into a position where I could fail in my specialization. I was a beginner but I had to learn about which animals are around me. They banned me to come to the office of someone else. I am not kidding. Someone told me I don´t want to be seen next to you when we were only leaving the office together.

It wasn´t because of my work failure, nothing like that. It was because of something else. Someone tried to get to know well where I was going after probably just to try to harm me more.

Very good experience for me. Hard one but useful. I had to see how people usually act under some pressure when they even don´t say hello. Just because someone said them don´t do it. But sometimes inside of such flocks of people, there are rare cases of people who understand things better and who have heavy balls to act. I have great respect for them. It is easy to be in a pack until you are the first in a row to be eaten.

All of that was just a little training for what gonna come later.

I continued in a bit of similar fields until a big turn in my life came.

After bronchitis and some time on antibiotics, I couldn´t sport, and I collapsed physically when I tried to do it. From the girl who did sport almost every day, I was just in bed for years. It was total hell for me, and it was still just beginning. And as a bonus, all traumas were falling on me as a bucket full of excrement. I had to face everything again. I was so close to being diagnosed early in a proper way but when doctors chose to be arrogant and not even admit that the lady could diagnosed herself well, it resulted almost always in a harder version of not easy situation. I had to fight with a system in many ways. This is very hard to transmit without own personal experience. But it doesn´t mean they are not good doctors etc. Everyone can make a mistake but sometimes people are not just so much good in their professions. It is not about I am telling all the world was against me, no. But a lot of obstacles for sure.

Well, thanks to another new disease which came I was finally diagnosed with primary one which confirmed my estimation thanks to the point I just read my symptoms and my life too. It was so hard time in every aspect of it from security to health. My deep try to heal from root serious disease probably resulted in some point to other serious diseases. It was crazy and sometimes it is. I pretty remember a moment when I had to move from a new flat to an old cottage because I couldn´t breathe there thanks to the huge construction of new apartments around, and I got to the point when I stopped being able to swallow firm food, my body accepted just two ingredients for months, I started to have frozen bites (a not serious ones) cause I couldn´t make heat for some time, covid, plus other diseases, not easy ones. And I was threatened to be attacked and raped by an unknown person who knew my location. He left voice messages about how he will come in at night and attack, rape, how he will wear my underwear, etc. At that time I had a hard relationship with someone who was working in a specific position for a specific state and he left the state where I was located, and I didn´t have any message from him for many months. I risked my life for that human in some way and to some point I faced evil. If I am very honest at that time in that bad winter in the cottage I prayed to die because I needed to take a rest from a damn hard life. Just taking some rest.

But something happened that night when I prayed so deeply to die. I will share just part of it because, for me, it is very deep and personal. That night I saw in a dream panther that wore my motionless body on his back, and it was like I heard something as I don´t do this often. In another critical time, the panther came again, and not only that. It didn´t change circumstances but it gave me a new power to fight. There are more things around but I keep them private for now. But I can say big cats found a way toward me in real life and I experienced a real connection with such animal beings. My brothers and sisters. It is for me like they lead me to my home naturally. It means as well to help me to move on a higher path of myself in real life but it doesn´t mean to have an easy path.

Maybe you are looking forward to reaching your home after a hard day at work where your loved ones are waiting for you. And about me, I can´t wait to live close to my cats, walk with them and work for them. I found my tribe but it is a bit different. It is the tribe that read me so well. They went for me to hell to save me when I didn´t expect anyone to come. It is my family.

It could sound crazy, insane but actually, I am in deep peace and well-rooted to myself when I say that but as well excited in a deep way, too. It is how it is.

What I have learned my whole life is the ability to fix problems, find solutions when it is not easy, detect everything crucial, and move my inner barriers to be able to survive and grow. Sometimes, if I am not growing and getting higher, I am just falling down and dying, especially in some specific situations and aspects of it.

Still, I am not cured and I need to do a lot to get health. So many obstacles sometimes but let´s say it is the way of self-cultivation.

And Self-cultivation is everything. Is unique total treasure of life generally. I can´t say my life is full of modern success but I can say that every kind of access to skill is raised in pain and tested through some hell. That´s everything.

I haven´t mentioned yet a lot of other hard stuff, some other important points of my life, security issues, encounters with animals, etc. I don´t want to talk about myself so much, although I understand I have to. Some of those situations and points will be mentioned in suitable episodes.

This project is like a poem for me, from my deep being and deep heart. I can see how self-defense systems and protection are on a low level in individuals and is totally crucial to get it higher to usually get better options to operate situations. If I am born with something in my veins, in my blood, in every cell, it is access to abilities to see, smell, detect, recognize, read, and try to stay alive and try to save others. But I still feel powerless sometimes, many times.

And I am still a beginner.

I need to put that knowledge on the table. It is important for my own self-healing process but also because of natural systems.

This is for my saviors and buddies. Mauuuuuu.

Thank you for listening.

All good to you.

Fox