Episode 1 - Book of My Life, part one

In this episode, I will let you look at a bit of the book of my life giving you a better option to understand my perspectives and background. As well, it contains basic principles that have become crucial in the security field for my entire life.

The key to unlocking and understanding one of the main meanings of this episode and my journey is simple:

Arising power in the deepest darkest time is never forgotten as a good friend who gets your back.

I would be happy if you join me on this journey.

Thank you.

Red Fox

The full transcription of this episode is below.

Hello guys,

This is Red Fox. I am back with a new episode number 1. In this episode, I will let you look at my book of life a bit to give you a better option to understand my perspective and background. Through several chapters, I will show you several pillars that have shown to be solid basics in self-protection for my entire life and are connected and rooted to the whole security art from my perspective.

There are chapters full of pain, obstacles, and hard stuff, but as well as a huge, deep desire for life, love, light, acceptance and protection. I am sure some humans have harder paths, but I need to create and send you a raw, core message. There is no intention to transfer you any negative feelings or perceptions from what I have been going through. Protection and security have been very high values for me since childhood.

So let´s start from the beginning.

I wasn´t born into a family where peace and love would dominate. I was an unwanted child. My father informed me how I was unwanted by my mother when I was young, maybe around 7 years old or less. I remembered the scene of that situation but not the exact time of it. It was true, my mum didn´t want me to come. Decades later she told me why. I was a product of non-voluntary sex when she was pressed to do it but she didn´t want it.

My father told me so many times I should be dead, specifically be hung. His second favorite sentence to me was You should be a man. My parents were arguing on an almost daily base, especially for some years, in front of me, about me, with me. It was a time when I started to protect myself against my family, but it was a situation when I couldn´t understand why there wasn´t love for me although I loved. I couldn´t handle that pain easily. But I was fighting and decided to protect myself.

After arguing I sometimes escaped the house by running to the closest park. One moment that I never forget was when I cried in park so hard that I was almost screaming to the air I need help. As I would say, something has to help me. It was desperate. By that time I have started to spend more and more time in nature. I slowly got calm there at least for some time and turned my attention to the world around me.

I missed love naturally so what I started to do? I just came to a tree and hugged it, and I said in my head Hello my brother, how are you? I didn´t think about what I was doing so much, just wished to express love inside of myself. Spontaneously and gradually I have started to perceive plants, trees, and animals as my brothers and sisters. I had to be surrounded by plants inside of the house too. Sometimes, when I was a teenager I had more than 130 plants around my bed. I loved that so much and still I do. As a child, I touched them a lot and sometimes when I wasn´t in the house for days when I came back and went to say hello big plant with a height of several meters I saw at that moment beautiful yellow light around the plant as you are in dark and flashbulb lights up. By spending more and more time in nature as a child I started to perceive nature, the world around me in my own way. But nothing super special or insane, just a raw connection through my heart and soul. When I looked at something I looked at it fully. When I heard something I heard it properly etc. But there were more levels of that.

So connection to nature is definitively a fundamental pillar of everything including protection and security. In which ways? I will talk about it later.

There was another hard thing for me when I was around 8 years old. My older brother tried to have sex with me. He wanted me to undress, take off my pants, and lie down. The hardest sentence for me is to say that I took off my clothes and lay down. I didn´t understand anything I just followed his words. He was moving on me up and down. After that I closed and locked up this thing, this memory, inside of myself deeply for almost my whole life, it means for decades. I got a flashback of this thing within the last year when I was focusing on the activity of one group that saves children I went so deeply into it that my own being released my memory. I couldn´t put it back like nothing happened. I had to unlock it.

Around that age I mean when I was 7, 8 years old, I would say, I faced for the first time, what I remember, the situation outside where I didn´t feel safe. If I don´t count another moment when I was even younger and I got lost in a different country for part of a day, but I don´t remember it. Back to the previous point. I went to my favorite park behind the house when I passed thick bushes around. It was summertime, a lot of green, and hard to see through the bush. I heard a man's voice that was calling my name repeatedly in a scary way and it was coming from one bush that I passed. I started to run away, but after several meters, I stopped and waited for a moment what will arise from the bushes. I felt my heart beating in my neck. Then I ran away and rang the bell of some neighbor, telling him what happened and someone took me home. After some time my mum told me the person who wanted to scare me at that time was father of my father. As a kind of punishment. It is good to say that the mother of my father was abused physically and mentally by her father. So, I would say, it seems there is something damn negative through bloodline.

Several years later I remember I told my father we should find a way to each other and he was just laughing at me and he said me you will do what I will tell you to do. I answered I will not let you hurt me or my mother. I stood up against my father when I was damn young and that time I would say it provoked even more his power to try to break me down. Even I asked my parents to separate I knew if they stay together it will not help anyone. My mum wasn´t such strong at that time after all her life to leave marriage and stay alone. But when she told me sometimes prepare your luggage we are moving and then I found something, some evidence it is not true, that was hard for me.

When my father told me to get out of the house when I was a teenager. I told him in pain, why I should leave. And I said to him You don´t act well, you are not a good human. You should go. I never even smoked one cigarette or got into trouble but my father and brother always tried to find a way how to take me down and want me to see myself as a kind of carbage, I think. I could mention a lot of other unpleasant situations with them but it will be maybe not more useful.

But nothing is for nothing. I started to evoke my deep power of self-determination and self-protection. Even If I have become more isolated in my family. I perceived very strongly I protect good stuff as love, the light, and myself. Even If I stay alone. But It was good preparation for my future path. Being able to stay just by myself. But it's not without pain.

As a child, I said one sentence to my mum I want to leave this life more mature than I have come here. I never forget that sentence. Never. My determination to grow up was clear at a young age.

As a teenager, I started to do sports a lot. I was playing basketball for years, I tried some martial arts, did swimming a lot, cycling, mountains, and other stuff. Usually, I trained just by myself, and from my current perspective, I would say, there was arising kind of destructive element inside of it too, but to some point, it was logical and natural. I used sports to fight my inner pain, as I had to fight at home for myself, I was creating a similar scenario in sports, I would say. I had to train to reach physical pain and when I reached it I just continued until the moment when it was almost impossible for me to continue. At that time I started to feel power, a different one. But it was not for free, from my teenage time until now, I estimate, I did more than 80% of activities under pain. I had the first operation of my leg before I reached my 18th birthday. But the point was I needed to evoke and experience my power. It gave me more spirit for other fights but there are shadow parts of this practice.

My father wanted me to be a cyclist and when I was 17 years old, he took me on training with road bikers just men, most of them were from 30 to 45 years old, around 15 men. Someone a bit older or younger. Well, I could not keep their average speed for more than around 15 minutes. When he saw how I am starting to be late he called me a fat slow pig and I told him and you are a dick. I am sorry for the dirty word but I said that. I passed him, and he could not reach me back.

The worst thing of my childhood for me was the point It was just me who wanted to fix problems and resolve the family situation. All of them preferred to stay in that way without change, than from my perspective face reality and fix it. I was not like them. I need to exist in a pure raw way and it goes with me everywhere, no matter of situation that I am gonna face. I need to have a clean table, fix problems, and care of my home as about small monastery. I always think an enemy can be outside, but inside there is space for love, growth, and simple joy from the heart. And It really doesn´t mean life clouds will not come. The point is if you can smile with someone in the middle of hell. That´s good. It is not about to take an easy path.

Throughout my whole life, there is another important aspect. It is necessary for me to build up self-resistance to protect the inner structure of the soul and heart. For me it was hard cause I am very soft in my soul, but I needed to create hard powers to go through hard experiences. But the power of heart and soul is amazing. And it takes me whole my life to stop turning the fight powers and mode against me. Because no matter anything if you are many times in combat mode, it means there is no healing practically. It works the same on a physical level in the human body. But it is easy math, if I couldn´t escape problems I had to fight with them but it was basically just surviving from one episode to another. Still, I know such stuff.

Some people were trying to break my inner structure. The most important aspect of that process for me was I knew I belonged to light and that is a core point.

When I started to practice some kind of martial art before my 15th birthday, something strange I faced there, in a martial art club. The leader had sex with one or more girls even if his wife joined training too. And the girls weren´t adults. He tried a lot to break me too, even if my mum was attending training too, but it didn´t stop him.

One time during summer camp he let men overdrink a bit and then he wanted girls to sleep in his tent. Why? He said girls will be protected with him. He didn´t let me sleep in my tent so I went into his one and I saw other girls who were almost naked cuddling with him. I got dressed as I would go outside. I mean long sleeves and I don´t let anyone touch me. Another day in camp he told me in front of others that when you trained yesterday, my best students got erection. What I should say to it? Or he said to others look at her hair how vibrant and beautiful. He constantly provocated others towards me.

After one training in the gym, he came to our cloakroom and he reached me and told me tomorrow at some exact time you will come to my house. Everyone heard that. Women and men. One man told me later we were thinking he got you too and if he did, it is bad. I didn´t come to his house so after the next training he wanted everyone to get out of the gym and he said wait here. He looked angry. He approached me and started to talk in a way about why I didn´t come etc. I really don´t remember what I was saying, I just looked into his eyes, and for the first time in my life, I saw instead of normal eyes something different like blossoms or circles that were turning around, something like hypnotic eyes. I don´t remember the conclusion or exact words, I keep in memory just his eyes.

At the beginning of every training, we stood in a row, sorted by level of practice. Well, I was by the end of that row, among girls who were around 6-7 years old. Some classmates asked him several times why he wanted me to be there in the lowest position. Later, He told me I can´t protect you from others more although I didn´t have any issues with them. He continued in the way I have to leave the club because I don´t respect him or I could be his private student, it is only one workable option. Well, I knew I would never be his private student. So I was kicked out when I was around 17 years old.

There were other examples of how someone was trying to get me under the influence, power, and control. For example, as a teenager, I attended public lectures about Buddhism, typology, meditation, gemstones, etc. I had many questions as a child and I needed to get answers. When I was in the lecture about the typology of personalities, and my mum went to the toilet, the speakers came to me and said you should go with us or visit us. It is very important and you will like it. When my mum came back they immediately disappeared. Throughout my teenage times, I read and studied a lot of books on different topics, from the Second World War to info about supplements and how I can improve my health, injuries, etc. But I never read even one book from the required literature in elementary or high school.

People paid attention to me sometimes, probably not only because I am a redhead with blue eyes, I mean it is not such common in current times, but my behavior, acting, etc was specific too. Some time ago I met a man who I had never talked to before. I knew him just by eyesight from childhood, he was several years younger. He told me I remember how you walked your German Shepard around us and added some details. He said you were so different than others at first sight. I said in my head damn, it was visible so much? I knew as a child and teenager I was different, from my way of thinking, hobbies, approaches, to experiences. Sometimes it made me just sad because thanks to that I was more isolated although I could talk to everyone. I couldn´t belong to any group, it was impossible, but I could get in every group if I really wanted it for a short time, but then I always went out to follow my way, just staying by myself when others created packs. It was what made me different at first sight. The rules and dynamics and quality of cores of members in those packs were not for me. Naturally, I would say I didn´t let any pack shape me and led my way. But it is important to say when I was a child I tried to be loved and I followed the father but in a very short time, I understood it was the wrong decision. It led me to the way that I would become more like him and I didn´t want it. And promising love from the following is not real love. Sometimes things want to look like something nice and pure but if you are gonna taste it, it is something different. So the result was loneliness but with my light inside and fight for it. And that light helped me so many times to see clearly in the dark. But to be honest it is one of the deepest issues cause how I wasn´t accepted well by my own family I was looking for a pack to which I belong naturally. Part of me is still looking for it and there is some deep sense of it.
But I understand it is not easy for me to create a good pack, because the other need to wear all of me, and that is not easy plus with similar values. Heavy. It is how it is.

As security and protection are some of the fundamental powers and aspects of life, there are other ones too, next to power, position, and basic needs, it is sex and love.

I had some natural power and sensuality inside of me which attracted some men. Although I am very far from playing stupid games with men. In this way, I am totally retarded. And I am happy for it.

I would say, the think I am a redhead caused curiosity in some people to taste and try to take a ride to get to know what is true about redheads in sex etc.

When I was 17 years old I made a strong decision I will find a man for my life. Sometimes I cared more about that than about my own path. I knew I needed some good male, an amazing human who I could be next to, heal myself and just be who I am fully and grow. Well, I have never found him and I don´t mean is bad but it´s just true. Maybe if you don´t get one thing there is a high chance you got something else. No matter that, I was tested a lot. Still, I am.

The life has a good sense of humor because if I skip for now situations like in my 17 th when a pack of men wanted to attack me and tried to find me in bushes while I was hiding and other similar situations, I have to say that the most people that I have met out of schools, jobs were pathological ones and people from power forces and fields around. But I didn´t find it as normal in such intensity and frequency.

I mean when I was in nature, bum soldier who addressed me, when I went to internet coffee bum police guy, online the same, etc.

When I was around 22, but I am really not sure of it, I went to say hello to my classmate, she was in a restaurant. There was a group of girls with her, and they were sitting in the garden part of the restaurant. One lady, a big huntress of men, blondie with blue eyes with very high magnetic power. She asked me how I am doing and how about men. I said to her, I don´t know how it is possible but whenever I go there is a person from the forces just.

She said, well, choose one man around here. I said what? No. I will not do such a thing. Generally, I was very far to like her approach towards men, etc, but she didn´t stop so I didn´t think about what I was doing so much I just looked around, there were like 15, maximum 20 unknown men, and I said ok, that one. I just said something to calm her down. But she stood up and she went for him, at that moment I said to myself damn, I will not be part of this stupid thing. I left the table and played with some dog around, but I still kept attention to what was going on.

She took him to our table, he was some years older than we were, and she started to talk to him generally. He named his profession but after some time, like half of hour, he said he is working for the police. In that second, all the girls exploded with laughing. I was just saying before that no matter where I am going or what I am doing they are these guys. And If I had to choose one man from strangers around I chose the police person. It was a funny, but it was just beginning.

After my 20 I totally did not understand why everywhere I went there were these guys. How is that possible? Sometimes I liked their power, but in very rare cases I could see very good heart and character, especially towards ladies. Usually, if they liked me physically they just sometimes wanted to get a ride with Redhead, I think, and I was looking for a man of my life. Very good combination. Super funny from life. It was just a natural mess, but it is good for growth. What is good about the point if skilled hunters are interested in you, they teach me something good and what is it, for example, how not to be prey, and their prey too. Not because they wanted me to be super skilled. No. they wanted me to be tasteful and easily managed at least, I would say. And as a bonus, total top bonus from life I started to read them so hard. GO through them, go through powerful animals. I am learning because I have to.

No easy encounters but always useful.

I was maybe 23, or 25, I really do not remember I met some older man from some unit, and within I would say second meeting I told him what would be his next step towards me, and I told him about his tactic. I never forget that moment. He was just parking and stopped the engine. He just looked in front of him and he was turning his head from left to right and he was just saying How can be such a small thing all the time one step ahead of me? I was laughing. Because I did not understand to some point all that I just read, I was an idealistic person, still, I am, but I pointed out very naturally the right, exact things. More cases like this happened. But To be clear I have had so far only one sexual penetration for a minute with a guy from such forces as the police or army, I stopped in that concrete situation although I fell in love when I understood that he would never love me to the core, it was the end for me.

Primarily It is not about emotions, it is at core about having pure vision through many layers. But I can´t lie to say there was no other situation where it was close. I really don´t want to play any game or theater about how I am good and others are bad. But I know my values. Plus even If you have good intentions, values, etc. it doesn´t mean you can not make mistake.

I am totally crazy about core, immediately I want to get to the point of seeing the essence of humans what is really behind the face, masks, position, etc. I really care about the core and I usually try to find ways to reach it. There are more reasons for it. I learned from my life that what is damn crucial about humans is their living values, inner power, structure, quality of heart, and character because my whole life is full of hard stuff, and I get directly by life experience what really matters in hard times, and it is core. So I don´t waste time on things around. Pain with men and tough experiences taught me another thing. Men usually wanted to have leading positions, probably it is their nature too. In a pack of wild horses, a leader is tested if he is still capable of leading the pack in a wise way, especially in critical situations. But men ask for leadership, power, and position if they don´t have enough high capacity to wear it because, for example, they are not enough mature, with a good heart, able to lead the pack in wise way, mainly in a critical time. Or they don´t have self-reflection. Then They can not be good leaders or definitively not mine. I can´t let them have a leading position. It means my ability, the inner power of my heart, and my character, etc need to be firm and solid a lot to handle it. I remember some strategic moments when men asked me to be trusted, I tried to be a good girl in point to follow men but in my life, it was always a mistake in a serious way. It doesn’t matter if that person was top in the world of skills or anyone else. If they are not on a higher level I can not give them any power above me in an easy way because I know they would lead me to hell not for good things but more towards their mess, bad character, and intentions, and missing self-reflection, etc. This is not a war against men for 100 %. I love them and it is not about how women are perfect. No way. It is not about being led by negative emotions or experiences in a blind way, but for me personally, it is about a pure vision in every situation and responsibility for myself and for my values. It is thin ice but I would say generally, ladies sometimes do not represent good high values and men are sometimes lost in their role. From my point of view, I would say people forget the highest thing, it is just honest try to be a good human. It doesn´t mean being weak without responsibility, not capable of making hard decisions, etc. It is something different. It is for example natural understanding of honor, and dignity and how they are important as the protection of good pure raw core. At this point I am far from marking myself as perfect, no I am not, I have weaknesses but I understand deeply in myself if I get lost a lot of things in my life I know what remains and it is my soul and my values. I have found it through the pain.

By decades I deeply know I need to learn from every encounter everything cause my life teaches me I could need knowledge from that experience to be able to handle well the next one. It is like life tests you if you understand knowledge well and if you are ready to go in a higher level and face a higher level of mess, too.

I do not remember the exact age but how I had a lot of fight full energy, because of family, idiots who were running after me, etc, I started to practice shooting. On the one side, I was full of encountering bad people already, how it is possible that they could try to attack, track me, or whatever, I didn´t want to let anyone hurt me physically and mentally, on the other side behind my smile and power, there was a total emotional mess.

I said to myself within that time absolutely crucial point: the whole me needs to become a weapon. That was the magical sentence. And definitively, I was not ready to hold a gun, and I knew I couldn´t shoot every idiot who had no better plan than to try to do bad stuff to some lady. I didn´t realize at that moment that I was prioritizing developing an operational mode rather than relying on one instrument. In that time I didn´t see the whole thing behind that. And I still see just part of it. But I have made a very wise decision. Because it is not about just wearing a gun, I needed to face the importance of a natural understanding of situations and myself. how every part of you can be a weapon how every aspect of a situation can be used, it is like a very handy surgeon. And you are always learning. In addition, I was not emotionally mature enough to wear a gun. I was traumatized a lot and I couldn´t calm down myself. Especially because it was one trauma after another.

There is another aspect of good protection and understanding of security art and it is good self-reflection. It is the highest practice with yourself and is totally critically important. I remember when I was a teenager I walked in frozen weather outside in the woods alone, for kilometers no village around. I fell down and I hit a big stone by my knee. It caused me pain but a bigger one because I was around that time before or after the first operation of my leg. And I started to cry, after a time of crying I just said to myself spontaneously. Damn, there is no one around, why I am crying it is not effective. I stopped crying, got calm and I understood that just crying would not fix my situation no matter how sometimes crying is a natural option to release hard stuff for a moment. Well, for me it was a good moment to see myself from a different perspective in a situation that requires this.

I decided to divide talking about my life into two parts.

So in the next part, I will talk a bit about my professional background and other points, experiences and perspectives.

Thank you for listening.

Stay Safe.

Fox